im back wordpress!
Ah, summer is already over. The sun on my face, the wind in my hair, and the nearing of the endless school days. I realize that I have been a bit, shall we say, totally not posting as of late. After a super long lapse of continuity, I am sorry for this – family problems were a bit of a killer. But, that’s behind us.
Believe it or not, summer is my favorite season of the year. Because i get to spend my time burying my nose on my favorite books. I get to lay idle most of the time. I can go to my relative’s houses. Drink, and get drunk. Smoke and feel high. JOKE! Hmm.
What are the can’t-miss summer events? I know about the concerts in MOA. I was actually dying to get my ass in there. Just to have a simple glimpse of you-know-who.
What are your favorite events over the summer? Hmm. I love the outing in batangas. I love to stay there for the whole summer. Come to think of it, who wouldnt love to stay there?! But, i couldnt possibly stay there for the fact that i dont have anyone to accomodate with me at the lodge and everything. I can invite some few friends but my parents wont let that happen. I need someone in our family to go with me. Well anyways, i know that will never happen, summer is over. Welcome rainy days! :) I feel sad because i dont get to spend summer the way i wanted it to happen. Oh well, mind you in military, nothing goes according to plan.
What did i do most of the time this summer? Oh, i get to sit my ass out until blood runs out! Ha ha! That’s gross. Well, i was currently watching this movie about the operation valkyie. My gosh, it really rocked my world! Heil Hitler!
What facts did i learn in the movie Walküre? Well, the movie was really dry for others. But for me, i felt a deep kind of awe for the history of Germany. To add up the spice, the führer was born on the twentieth day of April, 1889. Cool! The very same day of me & my partners anniversary. Cool isnt it? The day that i started to love my guy, was the day an evil mass murderer was born! Astiiig!
Well, this was only an introduction. Consider this blog as an reopen message for business. :) Worry not my dear, I’m gonna keep it coming! ^__^
Rock on. \m/
where do i go from here..?
Tifa said 1 month ago:
I wish you the best of luck, Bords. There is indeed a lot of pressure on your shoulders but try not to think too much about what’s at stake. Isipen mo nlan ham yan. Jok. Focus on what you need to do and give it your best shot. That’s all you can do with all that setbacks. Or even if you call that a setback. Paranoia? Joke. I say you have a dilemma in your hands. Mahirap nga yan. Good luck nalan with your decision making. I’m sure you’ll pull through. Aun jam jAm. Im skeptic nga since last week. ahaha. amp kc. Information overload din ako ngayon. Waha. Sana walang task mamaya para laro na naman. :)
what i am saying right now:
Now i need my own moral support. i wish i also have someone i can ran on to. but guess what, i don’t have anyone. i only have myself. there is a lot of pressure going in my life today. and my love life is in hot water. that is really not a matter. but i have a very BIG problem of my own. i just really need to focus on my own misery business. i need to finish this mess, i need to ditch away all of my problems. i have so many things to do just to make things normal again. i wish i haven’t lost my direction. i need to clarify all the things perhaps, fixing myself first is the best way to start my transformation. so now, I need to have plans in the future. I guess I’ll just have to post it on my another blog.
i knot that the title have nothing to do with my blog, i just lack the inspiration to put so.
“and i don’t want the world to see me, cause i don’t think that they’d understand when everything’s made to be broken, i just want you to know who I am.”
Amp! >.<
Some people ask me what is it about writing that I love so much. Well, I consider writing as my “Extra Curricular Activity.” And i think, this is the field where i am good at. Just let me friggin share to you my good day and the not so great day.
Insecurities.
As the day goes by, I started worrying about something, n’ someone. Then I reflected, betrayal is such a nice word. I am begrudging someone because of the deception he has inflicted on me. Someone told me that insecurities are not that important. Well for me, it is part of growing up. Because i believe that insecurities and uncertainties as a teenager is necessary, cause in order to spur people in finding out what they really want out of life.
Studies.
Oh my f*cking god. I’m so sick of this bullshit. I want to finish High School. But first I must learn how to study. Hell yeah. That right. Because I dunt know how to study the right way. But I dunt love studying anyway. I hate studying. I like learning. Learning is beautiful. I think school is so much harder that real life. People are much more accepting when they are adults. Anyways, i need to changena. For good. from now on, I’m going to sleep at least at 11:00 in the evening. Biglang taliwas ang sinasabe ko ah. Again, anyways, next week is the start of every college student’s so called “Hell Week.” Feeling lang ako, I, too, just want to have a hell week. I have too much to do, I can’t afford to have insomnia.
A Great Day.
Yesterday afternoon was an effin disaster. I really wanted to break up with him. He’s just very lucky it was his day. I’m sick of always taking him for granted. I love him very much and I’ll hold on as long as it reach my very limit. And also, to add the fact that he still is my significant other. We will last. I know that. Even though there are always an Up’s and Down’s in our relationship.
Love.
I can’t stay mad at him for too much long. In a few minutes I will cool down and forget everything. But before that, I will nag and say many cruel and mean things [out of anger dude!]. And after that, we will kiss and make up [again.] I kiss him torridly, and at the spur of the moment I will feel something that will trigger my.. My Happy Hormones. Because it always relaxes me (by kissing him*) and relieves me with all of the day’s stress. [I could have wrinkles in this early age, haha!] I just want to impress him by doing things that will hopefully keep him in love with me.
Though I always want to impress him, I want to let him know that at times I can be moody. As my mood swings; instead of impressing him, the result of the mood swings will be very unpleasant and it will displease him. >.<
Unreasonable fuck.
Telling him I want to part ways makes me want to die with heartache.
DARk Side.
I’m not a bitch or anything but I can be at times. But WTF, I have friends who are very vile and pathetic. When I hear them bitching around I’ll erupt just like an active volcano. And if there is an eruption. I only have one hand to hold. And that’s Bry’s. Even if I am wrong, he’ll stick and stand up for me. He’s always there for me even though we fight often. He is still at my back. And that’s what he makes me feel. Not like any other friends who will just correct me and act like they know more more than ME.
The Other Side.
I am active, energetic and analytical kind of person. And sometimes I change my identity like a schizophrenic. But you can just call my change of identity and attitude, incognito. This is when i cover my real identity. When I meet with a new face, I tend to hide my inner personality and produce or generate a new one. That’s what I am good at. I’m very secretive in my own ways.
“I am a titan, a monolith. Killing is what I do. It’s what I am good at.”
anu meron dito? wala. sinasayang ko lang ang oras mo.
Mabait naman ako, hindi ba? :)
Natatawa ako kapag sinasabihan ako na mabait daw ako. Hindi kasi ako mabait. Sa katunayan, nang nag-saboy ang Diyos ng kamalditahan sa mundo, sinalo ko lahat. With arms wide open! Or should i say un demonyo na nag saboy?!
Pero tulad ni Ranma na nagiging babae lamang kapag nababasa ng malamig na tubig, lumalabas lamang ang aking evil twin kapag ako ay nagagalit.
At hindi ako basta-basta nagagalit. Kung tutuusin ay mahirap ngang tumaas ang mercury sa temper-thermometer ko. Kadalasan, sinat lang naman ang katapat ng mga petty annoyances. Kapag ganoon, hindi ko na lang iniinda.
Matagal ko naman ng ginamay ang pag-control ng aking anger. Hindi pa nga uso ang anger management, gra-graduate na ako. Kung paano ko na-accomplish iyon, hindi ko na rin matandaan. Basta alam ko it took me years to learn how to calm myself. Alam iyan ng mga kaklase ko nung elementary at 1st year to this day na naging mga biktima ng aking infamous rages. May mga nasigawan ako, may mga nabugbog, may napa-Guidance na rin hehe. Hi, Victoria! (kulot!)
Nanay ko rin, alam kung gaano katindi manlisik mata ko kapag galit na galit. Hindi naman ako nagtutulos ng kandila at nagtutusok ng manika (at least hindi madalas haha joke!) pero umabot ako sa punto na kelangan ko manira ng mga bagay-bagay, at kung hindi, baka ako ang nasiraan. Buti na lang hindi ko MASYADO inisip ang mag-emo laslas (minsan lan) emo therapy kung baga. At least bata pa lang ako, alam ko na jologz yun at sobrang uncool.
Pero talaga nga bang na-kontrol ko na? Hehehe minsan lumalabas pa rin pagka-maldita ko.
Case 1
Noong pre elementary o kea ELEM kami, may wiwi time kaming lahat (e minsan nga poo poo ung iba e, ahaha). Before ng class, papapilahin na kami sa labas para pumunta sa CR para mag-wiwi. May kaklase ako noon na ang pangalan ay Kkrie Aaeiou (sumalangit nawa). May pagka-weird siya pero hindi niya alam na mas weird ako. Magkasunod kami sa pila pero nagbabalak pa ata siyang sumingit. Being the teacher’s pet, sabi ko,
“Uy, pila daw tayo.”
Tinignan niya lang ako ng masama at walang ka-abog abog ay bigla niya akong sinampal. Abay lech! Nanay ko nga hindi ako sinasampal, pasasampal ako sa kanya?! I saw red. Sinampal ko rin siya. Sinampal niya ako pabalik. Nagsampalan kami dalawa!
Ngayon, dala ko pa rin ang pagkayamot ko sa mga sumisingit sa pila. Hindi ko naman sinasampal yung mga singit na yan pero nakakarinig sila sa akin ng hindi maganda. Tulad na lamang nung Linggo, nakaka imbiyernang Linggo. Nakapila ako sa entrance ng SM Munti at may malditang nagsusumingit. Kahit kausap ko si Christian Somes eh nagawa ko pang magtaray:
“Aba miss, kaya nga may pila. Huwag ka naman sumingit.”
Hindi nakinig. Dinedma ang beauty ko! Naka tee shirt at super cute jeans pa man din ako! Pucha, pareho lang kami nagmamadali pero hindi excuse iyon para maningit siya no. Kaya nga walang asenso Pilipinas, lahat gusto shortcut. So what did I do? Binunggo ko siya at sinabihan:
“Gago ka ah!”
Pahiya yung girl. Kasi pati yung nasa likod ko, pinagtawanan siya at bumulong ng, “buti nga!” Pero ang pinaka-kawawa ay iyong kausap kong si Christian. Kasi nung una siya ang kaaway ko at pangalawa nakaka hiya ako pag nagalit. At alam nia yoon.
Case 2
Tahimik akong nagkukulay ng aming seat work. Kinder din lang ako nito. Ang ganda-ganda pa naman ng pagkakakulay ko – may matching outlining pa ng black crayola tsaka madiin at matingkad na malinis kong nafill-out ang white spaces sa papel. Tapos itong kaklase kong si Mickey na katabi ko ang upuan ay biglang lumapit sa akin at binulungan ako ng:
“Ting ting! Ah ting ting ting ting!”
Dahil sa ting tinging kami sa pamilya, never ko naranasan na maging overly fat ni wala nga ako masyadong adipose para mag ka breast. Really. :) Pero kahit na ganoon, sensitive pa rin ako kapag timbang ang pag-uusapan. Alam mo na ngang mukha akong bangkay. Maputi na sobrang payatot pa, pamumukha mo pa. Sapakan na lang!
Heniwei, as you may have already predicted, I saw red. Ginawa ko, nilagay ko yung palad ko sa likod ng upuan ni Karen and with all my might, pinush ko yung chair niya forward. Inipit ko siya sa pagitan ng kanyang chair at nung table namin. Talagang dinidiinan ko yung hawak ko sa chair niya. Narinig ko siyang umiiyak pero di ko pa rin siya tinantanan.
“Sino ting ting? Sino ting ting ha? Sige, iyak! Iyak ka!”
Hindi porket mapayat ako, mahina pwersa at pulso ko. Magaling ako sa sports at sobrang magaling ako sa taek won do! Hindi niya makuhang magsumbong kasi alam niya siya nauna. Wala siyang nagawa. Pwet!
Sa ate ko nman, mataba. Ako ang nakikipag away pag inaapi siya. Siya naman ang tinatawag na baboy o yobab.
Hmm… hindi ko alam kung bakit ang mga Pilipino ang hilig mambati tapos mention agad ng timbang nung kausap. Iyong tipong mga isang dekada na kayo hindi nagkikita tapos ang bungad pa sa iyo ay:
“Ang taba-taba mo naman!
Ang laki ng tinaba mo!”
Hindi ba pwede magkumustahan na lang tayo tapos taboo na pag-usapan ang timbang? Ako nga eh never ako nag-mention nun unless sabihan ko lang na “pumopogi” o “gumaganda” yung tao.
Ngayon, kapag binati ako ng “Ang payat mo ngayon ah!” (pak shit, KELAN BA KO TUMABA?!) ang sagot ko na lang ay isang napakatamis na
“Ang pangit mo ngayon ah!”
Case 3
Hindi ko na matandaan kung bakit nangyari ito, pero mortal kaming magka-away ni Aj noong Grade 4 kami. Dahil ba kay Brian Sulicipan ito? Haha, hindi ko alam! Pero naalala ko lang na noong napuno ako sa kanya ay nagbitaw ako ng ganitong mga linya:
“Tumakbo ka na. Dahil kapag naabutan kita, papatayin kita!”
Tapos hinabol ko siya ng hinabol sa school grounds. Ikot lang kami ng ikot. Kaya ko naman siya abutan kaso mas pinili ko na habulin lang siya. Psych warfare ito. Bata pa lang ako alam ko na na mas matindi ang tama ng fear kaysa sa i-act out ko ang threat. Every once in a while, sisigaw ako ng “Malapit na ako!” Tatakbo lang siya matulin habang umiiyak.
Evil, ain’t I?
Ngayon… well… ano nga ba ginagawa ko na ganyan… I think last na ginawa ko iyan ay mga 1 st year high school ako.
Hehehe buti naman at kontrolado ko lahat noon. Ewan ko nangyari sa mga babae at lalake kong naka away noon. Tinantanan ko na sila after after ko maka ganti. I think they already got my message:
Don’t mess with me bee-yotch!
Oo alam ko dangerous yun eh. Kaso talaga gagu din ako. Gerls and boys, please do not try this at home!
Pansin niyo naman eh. Hindi naman ako nagagalit ng basta-basta lang. Kelangan may mag-provoke muna sa akin. Hanggang sa kaya kitang pagpasensiyahan, iintindihin kita. Pero kapag wala ka sa lugar, ay mare, bring it on!
Hii-hii-huu… Hii-hii-huu… Ochitsuite, Flori-chan. Woossssah! Calm down!
Hehe, puwera usog. Mabait naman ako di ba? 
to those who misunderstood me. -im often misunderstood anyway-
i drink.
i fight.
i flirt.
i go home late.
these are the things
that make others
hate me
but what they
don’t know is
that,
I drink with the people I
trust who’ll take care of
me when I am drunk.
I fight when my loved
ones were hurt and knowing
that I’m fighting for the right
thing.
I flirt with someone that I
know only flirts with me and
not with somebody else.
And I go home late because I
just don’t want any of my
friends going home alone.
Those people who
understand and will
understand those are true
friends!
im not there anymore. :|
I’ve always loved you From the very start. These words I said to you Really came from my heart. But as time went by Something new came in clear. What happened to the person I considered dear? In your eyes now I was not there. The way you looked at me Showed me you no longer care. Your new self almost made me cry. So now I stand alone, For you made me stronger, When you said goodbye.. :’(
HEALING HEART.
It’s been a year since my hearts been left out.
It’s been a year since someone stole it and broke it apart.
It’s been a year since someone stabbed me right through the heart.
It’s been a year since I FOUND YOU healing my stupid HEART.
You healed, you wiped, and you threw away my fears..
Your care, your love, and your sweet kisses made me feel complete.
Dreams that became reality, reality that I dunt want to wake up from..
Feelings that forever will now stop,
Love that has come a part of my life,
And YOU as a healer of my heart.
LaLaLa. =]
After spending almost the entire day sleeping, I am having a hard time sleeping NOW so that I could wake up at 6:00 am tomorrow.I don’t know if this is because my mind is off to faraway love land, or I am just so rejuvenated that my cells scream of “activity please”.
I got messages from one very special person…
Mocha,kgcing ku lang pu! :)
Let the countdown begin.
I am still keeping my fingers crossed.
Thank you Lord for another day. Thank you for giving me another day to appreciate what I have and for showering me with blessings in small and huge packages. Thank you for my family, my friends, and everything. Thank you for the friendships and the love around me. Lastly, thank you for Mocha, whose wit and humor continues to amuse me each day.
And to Mocha, who might be reading my blog (Mocha, you know who you are… TT that is…). even if you don’t understand this, I’d like to say… “Mahal kita ng bonggang bongga.”
Ask me what it means, if youre interested.. haha. Lolz.
Yipee! Gotta rest my peepers. Ciao!
Fatima R. Pecson
I started rockin my mommas house on the first day of november, 1991. And later they’ve known that the blacksheep of the family was born. I have 4 siblings. Im the “BLACKSHEEP”. Call me tifa or marhea. I have a great family. That right. =]
When I was seven years old. That’s when I started going to school. When I entered the classroom I don’t have any idea about anything. Later, the words just came into my mind. “ HOLY HELL! IVE BEEN SCREWED!” because early that morning my parents told me that the said place was a fairy tale. Only it’s a freakin nightmare. The teachers alyways fussed around. I think I’m good enough to duel them with exchanging words. I have thought that my wavelength is higher than the mediocre teachers roaming around like butterflies.
I am “one of the boys” when I was little. Teachers have named me “tifa, enemy # 1” because I love to play tricks on ther people, to the extent. I always end up in the Disciplinary Office. When I was a pupil at Mrs. Marylocks class. Me, the Atheist, morbid discriminator turned to a no mercy, pride stepping, hardcore prick. But despite of all my mischief and mayhem madness, I have met my real friends and real allies. I always have allies. So the teachers won’t catch me doing any of my dirty tricks. Also, when I was a kid, I remembered bad mouthing my enemies every time I see them. Enemies. That’s right. You know what nemesis is? I have lots of them. :)
Mostly, my enemies tend to say I’m the “Devious little monster kid.” Because most of my enemies are much, much older than I am. Whenever I am caught, that’s when my allies will come in. They’ll help me get out of the sticky situation. I always find an excuse like “IM JUST CAUGHT IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME, TEACHER!”
When I was in third year high school, I’ve turned out to be an introvert. I always stay at the darkest shadows of my room and lay weak. Again, a pathetic way to waste my potentials. Because of the INCIDENT, I turned out to be a bitter person. I ridicule failure. Then a new friend came along and she had let me express my feelings I carry in myself. – I don’t deal with this. I carry the same infinite bitterness that even I dunt even know. –
At the mid summer of my vacation, I had known and understood myself better than others. I’m a SCORPIO. I’m the most extreme of all. “I UNCOSCIOUSLY SEEK VIOLENCE DELIBERATEKY AS A CHALLENGE TO MY STRENGTH.” I’m possessive of what I believe to be mine. I also have chronice depression. I’m a poet. I’m a writer. I’m a liar. SHE’S EVERYTHIN I’M NOT. I love to write. I write everything that come into my mind just to get over it.
I want to be a soldier and a psychologist. I guess I’m a human x-ray machine. That’s why I want to be a psychologist. I know how or what they feel. I can predict their moves. Kidding, some times only. =]
In the future I want to have a successful life and an imperfect family. Because, there will be no thrill if it’s perfect. Right?
RePLY.. :D
You know what? Everybody lie to themselves. including me. I can be a great pretender sometimes. A sinner and a saint. You feel empty, but of course! i sometimes appear to be happy, but I simply dunt give the matter much thought.. But my eyes betray the sadness that even I dunt know I carry in my soul.
Yeah, you’ve got a point. You let fate decide for you. But we are different, and the only thing that we have
in common is that we have the same gender. I dunt let fate decide for me. I’m a man of few words. [ or should i say WOMAN ] I work for myself, I always lead the group, I dunt talk shits, I act as soon as possible. I dunt work for others and I dunt follow anyone’s orders but mine. I do what I wanna do.
We pity each other. Again. PITY. haha. but, it’s ok with me. I dunt held grudges. Maybe i pity you, IN A WAY that maybe when I look into your eyes, I will see the infinite bitterness that i have seen in everyone’s eyes, Which i know they weren’t prepared to acknowledge. In fact, at first i also want to be a good friend of yours. `coz we have had the same experiences in our life. You can say that your experience is much worse than mine. i dunno. But still, you have a communication with “THE GUY YOU TRUST.” ME? nothing. not a word. not a THING! haha. but it’s ok. im fine now. =] i cant even remember his voice anymore.
I dunt want to say “GET A LIFE!” coz that’s a bit harsh, and.. Your a woman, vulnerable as ever. I am once, LIKE THAT. I always go to the dark shadows and lay dormant. I talk to nobody but myself. I’ve pathetically wasted my potentials. I ridicule failure, in short.. I RIDICULE MYSELF.
” .. WHAT THE EYE DOESN’T SEE, THE HEART DOESN’T GRiEVE OVER…”
Please stop being such a loner. Cant you change that? At least try [ im sorry ]. Because if you stay like that, you wont see the beauty of life. You say that you u look on things the artistic way, but how? When you dunt even go out.
Yeah, we are both women. But we have different personality, I’m the stereotype little freak
and your the emoish loner girl japan. virgo and scorpio. anway, i could careless if our horoscope oppose each other, if I want you as a friend. then i’ll make a move. and i’ll treasure you just like everyone else.
Magulo ako. [ ilan beses na sinsbe sken un. ] I hope you get what im sayin. hahaha. We can know each other better if we want to, fate is not going to work by itself, it’s in the people’s hand. It wont move unless you work on it.
i want you as a friend and PERIOD. no pities, insecurities, grudges.
hmmm.
[ your'e a good critic, so am i. ] [ you're a little bit perfectionist, im not ( buh i want to) ] [ you're good, im bad. >:) ] haha. kiddin. :)
i see right through people, i know you do too. but we have our own ways, i already know yours. =]
and, you know wut? this song really suits you well ” .. BECAUSE A GiRL LiKE YOU iS iMPOSSiBLE TO FiND..”
